Violent diarrhea and YOU!
I think I’ve been fairly lucky so far with my online dating experiences. I haven’t met too many whack jobs and for the most part, my dates have been enjoyable. Maybe I just have a good weirdo filter in place that helps me weed out the gross ones, or maybe it’s harder to pick up weirdos than I originally thought. Either way, I’ve met quite a few really great guys.
I started talking to this writer about a month ago that seemed pretty bad-ass. Unlike most of the guys I’ve encountered so far, he wanted to write back and forth quite a bit before actually meeting. I am both for and against this idea. On one hand it’s nice to find out about shared interests and family life, but on the other hand, meeting in person is how physical attraction develops. For me, just looking at someone’s picture is not going to make me horny.
Luckily, once we actually did meet in person he was exactly what he portrayed himself to be! Tall, lanky, smart and quick witted. I gotta say, I’m a sucker for a guy that makes me laugh. Aren’t we all?
Unfortunately, I am not attracted to the “tall and lanky” part. Ever.
I tried to put myself out there and spend a lot of time with him in the hopes that the physical attraction would spark for me, but it never did. I like to give people a chance. I know I’m not every guys cup of tea, but I like to think once I unleash my charms on a man that he will come around. I kept listening to him talk and while he was making me laugh, he just wasn’t getting any hotter. After a couple of drinks I decided to just stick my tongue in his mouth. It worked, but was it the booze or actual attraction?
Over the next few days we texted back and forth as usual, confirming plans for our next date which ended up being dinner and a movie. When I arrived at his house, he instantly wanted to get cozy and make out on his couch before heading to dinner. I wasn’t stoked on the idea, but I decided to give it a whirl to try and spark feeling in my lady parts.
Maybe it was my impending pms or the fact that he had just started to annoy the shit out of me, but he kept trying to undress me in front of his living room window and it made me want to kill him…and I think he took my annoyance as arousal. He went for the zipper on my pants and I had to stop him. He looked me dead in the eye and said “I’m not usually this well behaved on dates, but I really like you and if you want to take it slow we can.” I could see the desperation in his eyes. After all, internet dating usually isn’t as successful for guys as it is for girls.
“Thanks, I appreciate it” I said while buttoning up my shirt. I knew right then and there that if the attraction hadn’t sparked, it never would. Suddenly all of his polite conversation seemed tinged with evil. He spoke of his depression. He talked about his family that he hates. He even verbally trashed another guy I went on a few casual dates with that I told him an innocent story about. I knew the evening wasn’t headed in a great direction, but in the spirit of adventure, I hopped on board the crazy train and rode it to the last stop.
Perhaps I led him on. Maybe by getting naked with him after drinking copious amounts of beer, I gave him the impression that I liked him.
I am definitely an asshole.
After the movie, things moved with lightening speed. His mediocre kissing was almost immediately followed up by some pretty delightful oral abilities which ended in some downright awful and uncomfortable fingering. How could he be so good at one thing and so terrible at another? The two acts are related, if you’re gentle with your tongue and a lady responds to it positively, don’t follow it up by kneading her clitoris like a loaf of bread!
He wasn’t taking my body language or extremely clear verbal clues to lighten it up, so I side tracked him by telling him to grab a condom. For most guys this is the cue to initiate penetration. But this guy just looked at me dumb founded. “I don’t have one” he said.
Motherfucker! Again?! How does this keep happening to me?
Now I’m a progressive, sexually adventurous woman, so I will carry a condom if I think I’m going to get laid. Since I wasn’t particularly feeling it with this guy, I didn’t have one. But for him not to have one? That’s crazy! He clearly had the intention to have sex from the very beginning.
I could tell he wanted to fuck anyways and wanted to continue what we were doing, but I shut him down and went to sleep. Now here’s where the story gets really crazy. I wake up sometime in the night to him getting up to go to the bathroom. No big deal, we all have to pee, especially when we’ve been drinking beer. I was almost asleep again when the noises started. The bad ones.
The “oh god I’ve got terrible, explosive diarrhea” noises.
So many thoughts ran through my head. What did he eat? Is it food poisoning? Will I get it? Can I get dressed and slip out before he’s done? Is it going to smell? Each question was more important than the last and I had whipped myself into a sheer panic. By the time I heard the toilet flush, I knew I was doomed.
And yes, of course it smelled.
He crawled back into bed with me and passed out again leaving me gasping for air and questioning every bad decision I had made in my life up to that point. I started out on such a good path, but then I took a hard right and have been spiraling out of control ever since.
After a while I passed out from lack of oxygen and entered a slumber that was occasionally punctuated by him making several more trips to the bathroom. Each visit was just as explosive as the last, but they were all too short for me to sneak out so I just pulled the blankets over my head and prayed for death.
I woke the next morning to him, still naked, telling me that he called out of work and that we could spend the entire day together. I pulled my clothes together, fumbled through an excuse and left.
As I drove home that morning thinking of how badly I wanted to shower and forget that entire incident, a very important thought popped into my head.
Who has diarrhea and crawls back into bed with no underpants on?