Whoopsie Daisy Part 2-Heads up, this is a sad one!

Justin and I have now had so many baby discussions that I’m sick to my stomach. But that could also just be the morning sickness…

We decided not to go through with it because neither one of us is really in a great place right now. He told me that ultimately it was my decision because it was my body, but the look of relief on his face when I mentioned the word abortion made it look like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders.
I’ve made the decision. I know I’m making the right choice.
So why is it so hard to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment?
Maybe it’s because it still doesn’t feel real yet. I’ve subscribed to the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” website and email feed to try and understand my emotions and what’s happening to my body. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a glutton for punishment.
For the most part I feel exactly the same. I’m eating the same garbage I’ve always eaten. I still cry all the time because I’m an emotional and depressed person, and I’m not really experiencing any morning sickness, unless you count throwing up after having sex with Justin the other night. I don’t think that was baby related though, I just think that was the five plates of Mexican food that I inhaled earlier in the evening.
I still feel exactly the same, but according to the expecting website I have something the size of an orange seed inside of me. It’s eating all of that garbage and crying with me.
I’m so sorry little one. Daddy and I can’t do this. But hopefully you do feel loved, because you are. I’m loving you as much as I possibly can right now because I know it’s all I’ll ever be able to give you.
I think about how sad and unhappy I’ve been my entire life and it just further reinforces the fact that the most humane thing I can do for this child is to not have it. I remember being five years old and knowing that I didn’t want to exist anymore and not knowing why. That feeling was in my blood and I can’t think of giving that blood to another person.
With the way the economy is and the nature of how cruel human beings can be, I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking of wanting it…but still there’s a part of me that thinks being a mother wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My mother was too young to create a nurturing environment for me to grow up in. It’s no wonder I felt lonely and sad all the time when I was a little kid, I felt like my parents didn’t love me. I know they love me now that we’re all adults, but when I was little I just wanted them to want to spend time with me and to hug me. We always had food on the table and clothes to wear, but I don’t remember feeling that warm fuzzy love feeling.
If I did have this kid I would hug it and tell it that I loved it all the time. It would never wonder if it ruined my life. It would never feel hurt that I was too tired to spend time with it, because I would drop everything to make sure it was happy. My kid would know every day what love feels like.
These are the crazy rambling thoughts I’ve been having lately.
To have a kid or to not have a kid?
I have 1,000 reasons not to but only one to actually do it. Why does the right thing always feel so wrong?

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Posted on March 20, 2014, in I've got the feels... and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. I have been sucked into your blog since I clicked a link in my email that notified me about you following my blog. Thanks by the way.
    I love how real your blog is. You are a fantastic writer! I wish I could articulate mu story as well as you do.

    I know the opinion from a complete stranger doesn’t mean much. But I have found even writing my story helps me process it and accept it. If you ever need a nonjudgmental ear. I have 2!

  2. Thank you so much, that’s incredibly kind of you to say. When I wrote this I was having so many conflicting feeling, and I guess I still am. It’s nice to hear from other people that don’t demonize the choices you make and instead just accept you and say “it’s okay.”
    Writing it out is helping immensely, and hopefully if someone else is in my situation they will see this and know that all of those crazy thoughts and emotions are perfectly normal.

  3. Like the blogger above I found your posting because you started following my blog. Be aware that Mother Nature will flood you with all sorts of hormones, triggering a lot of emotion, over the top waves of feeling. It’s normal. I had a batch of miscarriages, so that part is familiar territory. I admire your honesty, and while I would never want to tell you what to do, I had my only child after thirty five and even then I often wondered if I were fit for the job. You are thinking deeply, seriously and I wish I could help. Thank you for writing this.

    • Yes, I’m currently riding that wave of emotion. Sometimes I feel absolutely normal and then it will take a drastic turn. I’m just trying to roll with it and write as much as I can down, and in such a way that would make others want to read it. I know it’s not the cheeriest of subjects, but it’s something that a good amount of women will experience. I feel that it’s incredibly important to share my thoughts no matter how wacky they are. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

      • Dear sister,
        I don’t know you. I don’t know your life. Or your particular situation. But I would like to send love your way. God loves you and God loves your baby. When I say that I have absolutely no condemnation or judgement towards you at all. I hear your struggle. And I can only imagine your upbringing from the short amount you shared in this blog. But with all my heart I would like to encourage you to have your baby. God willing to raise your baby. So many times we look at our lives and it’s not what we thought it should look like. But it is what it is. Life is an adventure. And most of the time we don’t know what will happen from day to day. But what if your baby is your adventure? What if God has a huge plan for you to get healing from your past and be the amazing mother you always hoped for when you were young? Negative spirits and hardship yeild fear in our minds but what about joy and excitement? You can do this. You are the perfect person for this. God does not waste our time. He gives us the desires of our heart. Perhaps this desire is in the form of a child who’s heartbeat was made from an amazing mother like you.

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