Whoopsie Daisy Part 2-Heads up, this is a sad one!
Justin and I have now had so many baby discussions that I’m sick to my stomach. But that could also just be the morning sickness…
We decided not to go through with it because neither one of us is really in a great place right now. He told me that ultimately it was my decision because it was my body, but the look of relief on his face when I mentioned the word abortion made it look like the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders.
I’ve made the decision. I know I’m making the right choice.
So why is it so hard to pick up the phone and schedule the appointment?
Maybe it’s because it still doesn’t feel real yet. I’ve subscribed to the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” website and email feed to try and understand my emotions and what’s happening to my body. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a glutton for punishment.
For the most part I feel exactly the same. I’m eating the same garbage I’ve always eaten. I still cry all the time because I’m an emotional and depressed person, and I’m not really experiencing any morning sickness, unless you count throwing up after having sex with Justin the other night. I don’t think that was baby related though, I just think that was the five plates of Mexican food that I inhaled earlier in the evening.
I still feel exactly the same, but according to the expecting website I have something the size of an orange seed inside of me. It’s eating all of that garbage and crying with me.
I’m so sorry little one. Daddy and I can’t do this. But hopefully you do feel loved, because you are. I’m loving you as much as I possibly can right now because I know it’s all I’ll ever be able to give you.
I think about how sad and unhappy I’ve been my entire life and it just further reinforces the fact that the most humane thing I can do for this child is to not have it. I remember being five years old and knowing that I didn’t want to exist anymore and not knowing why. That feeling was in my blood and I can’t think of giving that blood to another person.
With the way the economy is and the nature of how cruel human beings can be, I feel incredibly selfish for even thinking of wanting it…but still there’s a part of me that thinks being a mother wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My mother was too young to create a nurturing environment for me to grow up in. It’s no wonder I felt lonely and sad all the time when I was a little kid, I felt like my parents didn’t love me. I know they love me now that we’re all adults, but when I was little I just wanted them to want to spend time with me and to hug me. We always had food on the table and clothes to wear, but I don’t remember feeling that warm fuzzy love feeling.
If I did have this kid I would hug it and tell it that I loved it all the time. It would never wonder if it ruined my life. It would never feel hurt that I was too tired to spend time with it, because I would drop everything to make sure it was happy. My kid would know every day what love feels like.
These are the crazy rambling thoughts I’ve been having lately.
To have a kid or to not have a kid?
I have 1,000 reasons not to but only one to actually do it. Why does the right thing always feel so wrong?