The End is The Beginning is The End-Part 2

After taking pill #1 I felt nothing. We walked out of the clinic and were met with the tamest group of protesters ever. I’m glad they were all in their 70’s and tired, but I feel like it would have made for a slightly more exciting story if they were throwing eggs in my face or something. The extent of their protest was when they handed Justin a sandwich bag full of pamphlets about how it’s not too late and how adoption is awesome. We took it and then just drove off.

Justin hugged me a lot and held my hand, he was very sweet about the entire thing. We got back to my house and just sat around the rest of the day. Dinner that night was southern style barbeque meat. Prior to getting pregnant, I was a vegetarian. For some reason all I could think about when pregnant was eating meat. The rarer the better. I wanted a barely cooked steak still dripping with blood for breakfast lunch and dinner. It was insane. I knew that that meal would probably be my last meat meal for a while so I decided to go out with a bang.

The next morning I prepared for the next stage. I knew day 1 was going to be nothing, and that day 2 was going to be a nightmare. From what I had read online, day 2 should be met with the most intense cramps of my life, vomiting, diarrhea, and huge blood clots.

At 10 am I took my anti nausea pills, at 11 am I took my Ibuprofen and my Vicodin, and then at noon, I took the 4 Misoprostol pills. Those were the ones that would start my contractions and empty my uterus. It took about an hour and a half for the process to start, but once it did, it didn’t let up. The cramps would come in waves. Having my heating pad and Justin to rub my back helped immensely. Shortly after that, the bleeding started. I cried a little when I saw that part. It wasn’t that rich oxidized period blood, it was the bright vibrant red color of fresh blood. I kept waiting for the clots. I checked religiously but they never happened.

I also never got the nausea or diarrhea. After about six and a half hours the pain just stopped. I had read online that this would happen after you passed the last big clot, so needless to say I was concerned that it wasn’t successful, but I was still glad the pain was over.

I hadn’t eaten anything all day so we decided to go to the deli to get some sandwiches, and it was a beautiful night so we took a walk around my new neighborhood. It’s springtime and I still had my super powered pregnancy nose so I could smell every flower and green thing growing within a mile. Maybe it was the Vicodin, or maybe it was Justin and the relief of having made the right decision, but for the first time since I had found out I was pregnant, I was actually happy.

We had worked up quite the appetite on our walk so when we went back inside we were ravenous. We sat down on my bed with our sandwiches when I realized we should have some napkins. When I stood up, I felt the gush.

It didn’t hurt, it just felt like a gush of blood. If you’re a woman and you get periods, you know what this feels like on  heavy flow day. Maybe you’ve been sitting around for a while, or maybe you’ve been sleeping, but you know what that gush feels like. I wasn’t alarmed or anything, until I got to the bathroom, pulled my pants down, and saw the remains of my President’s Day baby.

Nothing in the entire world can prepare you for that sight.

Thank god for strong painkillers making me high at that very moment, had I been sober I might not be here to tell the story. I lost all of my breath and nearly crumpled to the ground. Justin heard me say “oh god” and came to investigate. I had to wrap a towel around myself because blood was pouring out of me and I just couldn’t have the fetus near me. I dropped my pants and underpants to the ground and ran out of the bathroom. Justin went inside to check it out and confirmed that was indeed the baby. It was no bigger than a silver dollar, but it was unmistakeable.

I had to have him wrap it up because I just couldn’t do it.

It’s now two days later and I’m still recovering at home. Justin has since left and gone back to live his life. I go back and forth between relief and sadness. I can’t believe any of this happened to me, and I can’t believe I came out the other side in one piece. I still have cramps, but now it’s more like period cramps and not abortion cramps. I’m still bleeding, but that’s to be expected.

I want to talk about it, but I don’t know what to say. I need to talk but I don’t know who will listen. I am happy that it’s over, and feel guilty that I’m not sad about it. I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s now I feel. I know there’s support groups out there, but I wouldn’t even know how to begin my story. I am still kind of walking around like this has been a dream.

Of course in the interest of this never happening again, I have started a new birth control pill. My boobs are never going to be the same again.


Posted on April 9, 2014, in I've got the feels..., Word Diarreah... and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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