Heart in a Cage

I decided to start the OkCupid back up again. I realized almost instantly that it was probably a bad decision as the messages started pouring in. I honestly don’t know what the hell I was thinking. Guys can be so gross, but to be fair, girls can be way worse. I was trying to update my profile to be a bit more depressing instead of the cheerful bubbly girl that I initially portrayed myself as since I’ll probably never get that back, but the messages kept coming in and interrupting me.

“Hey girl what are you up to?”

“Wanna go salsa dancing?”


I also wanted to find a way to update it so that it portrays I am not just in it for a fuck buddy. I am in it for a relationship.

I am so sick and tired of being alone.

Being with Justin the past few months has shown me just how much I miss companionship. Taking off your pants and snuggling with someone you love while sitting on the couch with a beer is something I had been sorely missing in my life. I have felt better in the past four months with him than I have since I was with Drew, and that’s saying a lot. The other thing my time with him has shown me is that I really do want kids.

Oh shit, did I just admit that?!

It’s true. I grew one once in my belly and it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Sure, the actual screaming, pooping, hell raising demon that could emerge from my lady regions might be awful, but I think I might be okay with it. I might be…happy with it. Having a kid would make me happy. There it is. Out in the open. Having a baby would make me happy.

How do I make that thought a reality?

I need more money and a partner in crime!

Now what I’m about to say is either the new and improved outlook of an adult, or it’s the outlook of a very jaded woman that has been burned too many times…

I LOVE Justin, but I know that he isn’t going to be the one this happens with. He is weird, talented, silly, and perfect in every way, but he doesn’t want me…and I gotta be with someone that does. That’s it.

Apparently I am the type of girl that is good enough for the time being until something better comes along.

I am the type of girl to pass time with before you meet the real thing.

I am the girl that keeps you from being bored while you finish your last few months of work before going on a crazy year long adventure in another country.

Seriously, I’m the real life lady equivalent of Good-Luck Chuck.

The last few long term relationships I’ve had have ended up with my significant other meeting his soul mate immediately after we parted ways. That’s just not fair. Where the hell is my happily ever after? How is there not one man on this planet that thinks I’m the one? I am flippin awesome!

I am willing to put in effort and time to make a good healthy relationship, but if I’m somebody’s time passing sex machine, it’s never going to happen.

Of course as soon as I went back on to OKC Justin’s profile popped right up. I saved him as one of my favorites long before we ever went on a first date and it showed me his activity right away. He had been on earlier today. Which of course means he’s still cruising for chicks.

And I’m sure he did it while I was pregnant.

It hurt a ton and I don’t know why. He’s been 100% honest with me as to what his intentions were. He told me he didn’t want a relationship and he told me he was leaving. It was me that wanted more but just didn’t come right out and say it. I initially went on OKC to have some flings because real relationships get messy and people get hurt. I did have fun until I met him, and then I didn’t want to have any more flings. Hanging out with him felt so damn natural that I just wanted to be with him all the time.

I love that crazy asshole, but I know he doesn’t love me back and I have to move on.

I can’t blame these thoughts on pregnancy brain too much longer, I’m sure my hormones are leveled out by now.

Do any of you know any eligible bachelors that are into quirky girls that enjoy nachos?

Please let me know, I don’t think I can survive being this lonely too much longer.




Posted on May 1, 2014, in I've got the feels..., Word Diarreah... and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Takes a long time, months, for those hormones to level out but the good news is that you can blame a lot of mood vagaries on them. Be nice to yourself as much as you can– you deserve it for your honesty and willingness to live at a level of intensity. Even if it’s just an extra bit of chocolate, or taking the time to say something nice to yourself, a moment of calm, of breathing the air after rain. But I have to say this as a thirty-year plus happily married person, I have not found that the loneliness really goes away because of someone else. The only company you are guaranteed for life is your own, so, like cultivating your garden or arranging your apartment, the hope is that you can put ideas and inspirations from books, movies, paintings, music, into yourself, that will make your interior company good, that will make it resonate with other elements of life that bring light to you. Then you may come to a place where you can deeply feel that you have reached a deep connection that goes beyond the presence of another breathing warm body and his/her reflected laughter; you can discover the place in yourself where you hear the universe, in your body made of the stuff of stars. Even in the middle of the night you can know there are others out there thinking similarly to you, feeling and wanting, reading and yearning. Making the difficult decisions, according to the right as it is given that you see it. What T.E. Lawrence said at the end of his book The Mint, which is so much about alienation and loneliness, is true. “Everywhere a relationship; no loneliness anymore.”

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